lutze3 (lutze3) wrote in selectivemutism,
lutze3
lutze3
selectivemutism

Me

Well, today a person my Mum found on an SM site who I've been talking to about SM for a while now, wrote a story about it today.

And it made me feel particularly sad, because the story is almost exactly the same as me, except that I seemed to be more invisible to people than she's been.
People tried to help her (mostly in ways that made it worse) and other kids bullied her for it.
But I've never really experienced either of these untill recently.
Where it almost feels like both coming from my parents.

[insert warning here]

I'm 17 now.
My Dad's Dad died when he was around 15. And not long before then, when he was dieing (which took 3 years I think) he became angry with my Dad, and blamed him for the illness that was killing him.
And because my Grandad died soon after that, my Dad had that on his head all the time. And he only told anyone about it a few years ago.
(This piece of information becomes neccesary later on)

I started out life living in London, a few months before I was 2 years old, I became an older brother.
Around then, doctors decided I had glue ear.

And my earliest memory (a few months after this) is of being awake with tinitus and giving up sleeping to go downstairs to watch Star Trek.

I have had a total of 7 opperations on my ears to try to correct the glue ear. I was supposed to be "cured" 5 years ago. And now, they've written me off as a bad job.

My Pre-School was a school for deaf children, where most of the kids didn't talk much on account of being a graduation of deaf.
And I don't ever remember talking there either.
Except possibly to Sue (who was one of the teachers).

In Primary school, my Mum looked after a boy after school, and he became my friend.
In that school, I distinctly remember having 3 friends.
The first, JK (the afore-mentioned) who I would talk to sometimes in school.
There was Douglas, who left soon after he became a friend.
And then there was Adam. He talked to me sometimes.

I think I've only ever been in trouble four times in school. And the memories of them don't bother me quite so much these days.

What seems to happen for me, is I've always attatched myself to someone who I feel comfortable talking to, then only ever talk to them, and then siphon off the rest of "normality" by hanging around the person and listening in to everyone else.

I haven't been diagnosed as having SM.
But, I think it was suggested soon after I was discharged from the Child psychologists.

Untill a few years ago, it was only away from home that I didn't talk except to the "safe" people.
But a few years ago, I stopped talking to anyone.
And only whispering to the "safe" people.

And it was only when this came into the home as well that my parents noticed anything wrong.

Because of the things that happened to my Dad, he doesn't want to feel that he's given me his psychological problems, so he is adamant that it is a completely physical reason that I don't talk to anyone.
Which is why I haven't been diagnosed by anyone formally.

Untill recently, it hasn't really struck me that this has really been going on all my life, because I have created my own "normallity"
And this is because in Primary, and Secondary Schools, my "safe" people were in the bulk of my lessons. And at break times I could always listen in to their friends.

But now I am in college, the "safe" person is no longer in may of my classes.
And he talks to me far less now.
And as a result of poor hearing (see above) and various other things, I can no longer hear enough of what his friends say.
And he is around at break times less too, as he used to listen for me, then distill the conversation and tell me it. So now I have reallised how outside I am from them.

And my reasons for coming here, is so that I can try to get some more pieces to fit in.
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